Makes no sense to you, but it does to me

Forgiveness

 

They say I have to forgive and let it go

The very thing that has kept me together for all these years

The poison that corrupted my very core

Tainting all that I have been for such a very long time

Knitted into my bones and sinews, driving me onwards

 

And they say let it go

 

The slights (not imagined)

The cruel behaviour (towards me)

The anger I have felt (righteously so in many instances)

The despair of being abandoned for someone or something “better than you”

 

 

Let it go they say

 

Let that which you don’t need go

The friends who contributed nothing to you that you supported for many years

Who sucked the lifeblood from you each time you met

Scooping up your hurt to wear as their own

 

 

The hurt and sting of rejection from the one person you loved the most

The one who turned from you in your hour of need

The one who looked at you with hate in their eyes

And hate on their tongue

 

 

The one who said all those hurtful things that stay in your mind

And pop up, poisoning what otherwise is a good day

 

 

Let it go they say

 

It’s a boulder that weighs you down

That makes you focus on the ground

Rather than scanning the horizon, the future

The pain that makes you scream inside, that you cannot share

 

Let it go

 

 

It doesn’t do you any good

Oh those platitudes of those who don’t have this – shit

Crowding out all the good stuff in the world

 

 

 

And if I do?

What do I fill those empty spaces with?

What will warm me on the cold winter nights when I wake crying out for that which I lost?

Is there a reward for being an adult (there hasn’t been so far)?

 

I have to focus inwards on my stuff

Not listen to those who (always) know better than I

Who have an opinion to share, regardless of whether I want to hear it

 

Dare I contemplate making this change for myself?

 

No platitudes or clichés to find

The strength and courage to say

Enough is enough

 

My heart on this page

Bleeding

Hurting

 

Can I forgive all of those who have trespassed against me?

I am not god (with or without a capital letter)

I am human

 

If I say, I forgive you that doesn’t give you a license to try to hurt me again.

It means, I forgive your humanity, your frailty of being

It doesn’t matter that this makes no sense to you

I just need to let it out, and yes, to let it go.

 

I forgive you.