Yesterday I had lunch with a friend I made at university.
Now I attended uni as a (very) mature student, having missed, no – the words should be not taken advantage of the opportunities available to me when I was younger. Looking back, I realise that I just wasn’t read to study back then, and when I did finally get round to it, I loved pretty much every single moment of the learning, even the hard times.
My friend was also a mature student and I remember when she beetled up to me on the first day, probably feeling as out-of-place as I was, in amongst all these fresh-faced kids. Frankly, I was more than old enough to be their mums. They knew it, and so did I. So my buddy and I stuck together all the way through the good times and bad and have kept in touch ever since.
She’s very lovely, very petite and… the only way to describe her is “girlie”. A complete contrast with me who (so I’m told) am also lovely, but I’m not petite and, these days, not very girlie. (I don’t think I ever was, but the memory does distort and deny stuff) For example, I’m not really a “shopper” who will spend hours looking at clothes. I’m more of a ‘shark’ who circles for a few sweeps and then Pow! I snap up what I want to buy. This is due to the fact that I can’t really buy clothes easily because I’m fat. A combination of medication and other factors have pushed me (well) outside the “norm”. It’s not something I’m comfortable with, so please don’t take the opportunity to give me a hard time, I already do that without your help. Each size increase dents my self-esteem further, and there you go… before you know it, a vicious circle is established. I don’t look in a mirror very often. If I do, it’s a cursory glance because, frankly, I’m not that keen on what I see. Something I have to sort out, and I will.
Back to yesterday.
We did the looking at make-up thing. You know… looking at eye-shadows, foundations… yeah all that. Normally, my toes would be curling up after short time and my attention would be becoming none existent. But I liked it! I really liked this sharing of girlie time and I need to do this more often.
I need to be kinder to myself and in that kindness re-discover me. I need to learn that girlie is actually ok and that I can actually like being reminded that I’m feminine and attractive and actually have a lot to offer the world. It’s bad enough I am looking for a job and not getting anywhere, so I need to value myself in other ways.
Don’t panic, it doesn’t mean an excess of pink (hot fuchsia maybe). Just an acceptance that doing “girlie things” is an ok way to spend some time with a very good friend. Here’s to us kid!
Marj's writing 